I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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