When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
