I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Why are your pants in the freezer?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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