omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
