Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
