Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
