I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i was born a porn star she said
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
