Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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