If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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