Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
