I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
