you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
