Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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