Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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