this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Randomize
