She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
