The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize