Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I didn't notice because vodka
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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