Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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