Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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