I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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