True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
