Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
