I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
