I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize