I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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