Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
