I CAN MOONWALK!
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
