Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
