I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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