I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize