I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
