dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
