so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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