I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
this will be a night to untag.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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