Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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