I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
