I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
