you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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