note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
