Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
organizing the empties. That sober.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
