connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize