I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
worst night to have a conscience
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
