i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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