So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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