is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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