i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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