this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Someone came in the potted fern
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize