What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Please don't give away my fajitas
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
