I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Randomize
