I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
