you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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