you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Randomize
