Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
