i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We're too hungover to prance.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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