you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
