hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
