just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize