he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
