Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
