I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
