There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
