no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
