no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
