Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
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