i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
