You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I need to align my fucking chakras
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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